Who am I?

Recently I've been pondering who I used to be versus who I am now. It's eye opening. Yes, I'll just go ahead and get this out in the open and clear it up,  I used to do sinful things for pleasure, drugs, alcohol, the whole shebang... and that part I DO NOT MISS!! And plan to never return to that lifestyle, ever. But the REAL me, inside, I miss.

The inside Wendy has obviously changed since Bryson was born and passed away. But this started long before him.

While plundering through some old boxes to put in storage today, I found one of several journals I use to write. (I choose "journal" because it sounds a little less cheesy than "diary".)  I had the greatest time reading it. Back in the good ole days. Back when I loved so hard! Back when I loved period. Of course I love now, but for some unknown reason, I've put up a wall. A thick wall. Back when I was comfortable in my own body. Of course, I didn't like my body, lol, but I was comfortable around people. What changed this? What changed me calling and talking to my friends? What changed me wanting to hang out with them when I was home visiting? What changed me into a 95% texter - no talker? What happened? Is it that when I moved to TN, I didn't know anyone so I became dependent on my husband for daily conversation? I went to work immediately after moving here and made friends. I blame it on the fact that I drive 45 mins to work so the people there are just too far away to hang out with on the weekend. Some truth in that maybe but lame lame excuse. We started attending (and joined) a church here. We've never gotten close to many there. My husband is 9 yrs older than me so we had a hard time finding the right Sunday school class. His age group was older than me, had kids, etc. My age was younger than his so he wasn't comfortable with that. We still attend church and Sunday School and have found a class we both enjoy but while they have tried to get us to do things together outside of church, we never have. I've lived here for almost 7 yrs. Who have I become?

Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends who deal with the new me. I talk to them regularly, but either through email or text, and it's by my choice.  Stupid isn't it?

During Bryson's life and since then, I've had friends reach out to me that I haven't talked to in many many years. (and of course, the close friends I have were my rock during that time) But it's made me miss those relationships so bad! Then reading for 2 hours today of how my life used to be, I wonder, how did I get this way? 

So how do I get to the old Wendy? We are planning to move back to Mississippi (my home) hopefully this year. (but then again, I've said that for 3 years) Will I be the old me when we get back? I know it won't be immediate or easy, but I hope to. How do I get comfortable doing the things again that make me so uncomfortable now? Why am I uncomfortable? Talking to people makes me nervous. What? Why? That was never me.
And, when we get moved back and I do become the old me, how will it make my husband feel? Neglected? I would certainly hope not, but he's such a quiet person. He gets obviously (to me anyway) nervous around people he's not close to. Maybe, THAT'S where it came from? HA HA. No I can't blame anyone but myself. I know moving is going to be an adjustment for us period but I so look forward to the old me. I look forward to hanging out with my family, current friends, and old friends, - comfortably. I've felt feel some time that I am putting my life on hold until we get back to Mississippi. I am. When we get back I'll start doing such and such. When we get back we'll have and go to get togethers. But I need to start living NOW. What if I don't make it back to Mississippi? I can't continue to waist my life working and coming home to this computer. UGH!

So one of my desires for 2010 is to find the old Wendy. Should I start by calling everyone I read about in that journal today? Naaaa.. LOL. That might get me in trouble. Not all of them are on the same path that I am now. But maybe our lives can be witness to them. That's one of my desires. To have parties with the new and old.. good, clean, wholesome, family parties. To laugh like we used to. To love like we used to. To embrace this life that God has so graciously given to us. Isn't that what it's all about? The money we have (or don't have in our case lol) shouldn't matter, the cars we drive, the house we live in, etc. It's about loving and enjoying each other!

So Lord, Daddy, I thank you for who You are. I thank You for who You've made me to be. Help me find that person you made me to be. Help me to accept that you made us all differently, for your purpose. I want to L.I.V.E! I want to live this life you have given me. Help to calm my nerves and become the person you intended me to be. Help me to be show others your love, being in solitude I can't do that. Help me to overcome my selfish ways. Help me to overcome the anxieties that have become my life. I love you Lord and want nothing more than to please You! You are my heart's desire.
Love,
Your Daughter