Heartache has a new meaning

Today was a stressful, busy day at work. It's so hard to explain and comprehend how it's nice to be busy at work because it keeps my mind off of our loss... but it also makes me feel so guilty for not thinking about Bryson all day. This opposite emotion can be agonizing. This is the third week I've been back at work and everyday, as I drive by the daycare we assumed that we would use, I am reminded that I don't need to stop there, as I'm leaving the parking lot, I think about how I should be going to get Bryson from daycare. Even without him here, I know the excitement moms must feel to be able to get off of work and be excited about getting to your baby. After drying the tears, I got home and ... as usual, just sit here. Well, I did empty the trash and put on a load of clothes. :-)
As I read an email from a friend the tears began to flow again when I read the simple question, "Wendy, how are you?" As humans, we are so good at just saying "I'm ok, I'm fine, doing good". It's so much easier to say that, especially when I'm talking to someone face to face, because I know if I tell the truth, the tears will flow. But this time, I was honest. I need the prayers so much, that "I'm ok" just didn't cut it tonight. I just spilled my heart out hoping to not sound negative, but to be open and honest. My heart aches. It honestly feels like I've got weights laying on my chest. I miss Bryson. I miss holding him, feeling his warm soft skin. I miss his grip on my finger. I miss the dreams I had for him. I miss the fact that, on this earth, he will never call me Mommy. I find comfort in the fact that my parents, stepdaughters, brothers and sister in laws got to meet him. I find comfort that from heaven, he really DOES know how awesome his earthly family is... He knows how much his cousins love him and how they had so much faith that he was going to be ok.... I find comfort in know that  he IS ok. I'm often reminded that he's fine...... I've even been told that he don't need us.. but I need him.

The devil is so good at reminding me of the comments that people have said that cut to the bone. I know, without a doubt, that they had the best of intentions and would NEVER say or do anything to hurt us. I know that!!! Out of all the hundreds of emails I've received, conversations that I've had and cards that I've read, that stinkin' satan (who's a liar by the way) wants to remind me on the ones that hurt. I hesitate to even post that because I don't want people to be scared to talk to me for fear they will say the wrong thing, but my desire is to write out my true emotions,  so I include it to make you all (especially other moms who are grieving)  and myself, that it is an issue.That I have to stay prepared to respond to things that hurt - with a reply that seems rational although my flesh wants to say "Whatttt did you just say?" Thankfully, a lot of people have never been through this and really don't realize what they said hurt. I've witnessed that everyone grieves different, so what would bother me, may not even phase another. So I guess it is impossible to know what to say. I even struggle with it when talking to moms who have lost a child. Just a couple of examples (incase I've babbled so much and not making sense) Someone saying -
{oh you can have more children} Yes we can have other children (God willing) but they will NEVER replace Bryson or our love for him. They won't erase our desire to have HIM back.

{at least he wasn't older} This one, I understand especially when I think of a friend, Joni, who lost her 4 months old daughter recently- the emptiness is intensified and magnetized because of the many more days you had with that child. Although I semi agree, (is that possible) my thoughts go back to how I felt robbed of getting to even feed him, how I never got to change his diaper, how I had to be very careful kissing hear that one time before he passed away, because of the tubes. Although having him longer would give me alot to morn, not having him does the same. I don't have alot of things I morn because I can't do them anymore, I have alot of things I morn because I was never able to do them.

{just leave the grief with God and walk away} This one is incomprehensible to me. I talk to God about my  struggles and heartache and I know that He is carrying us through this... but I can't walk away from it nor do I want to. Just as He created laughter, he created tears. The bible speaks of being a time to rejoice and a time to morn. Jesus wept. As bad as the pain hurts, it scares me to think of the day that it don't hurt. I know that this is an emotion that will be better in time, but right now, not thinking of Bryson hurts... it gives me a guilty feeling.

{God took him before you could get attached}. He knew them while they were in the womb.... and so do moms. Those kicks were from my son. We were attached when we saw two pink lines on the pregnancy test. We were attached as we talked to him while he was in the womb. I finally felt the love of a mother when I heard him cry out as he entered this world. I saw his personality for 13 days. I saw how he didn't like plastic on him... but who would ha.. I saw how he loved to hold on to something.. I saw how his eyes opened wide when I would say Jesus and when we would talk to him. I am attached and I thank God for that.

Things like that are painful. When thinking of this, I am reminded of this quote, that speaks volumes to me.... "they intensified our pain by minimizing our loss."  I have to remind myself and satan that although that's how the comment seemed, it was not what their intentions were.

To end this entry.....


I'm reminded of another quote that I read in a daily griefshare email... "Peace comes through a sincere belief in God's presence and in His promises; it is not dependent on our feelings or sensations."  Although this entry sounds depressing and possibly as though I need emotional help, I do have peace! My flesh is in pain but.......... it is well with my soul.