Just a tough day... scatter brain

Well... today has been one of the toughest days I've had .. in a few days anyway.

I try so very hard to hold it together at work. But today, we talked about Bryson... and although I cried, I loved it! There are far more days that go by that no one mentions him so when they do, I feel like I'm talking 100 mph trying to say all the things I remember. Thank you Nicole for taking the time to ask me questions, to listen to my emotions, the events of the funeral... and most of all for loving me and "your little white nephew, Bryson".

I met a lady the other day, who I had emailed a few months ago about her business but due to the birth and passing of Bryson, I hadn't made time to get back in contact with her. This past week, I did. I met with her and explained what had been going on. Choking back my tears, all of a sudden I heard her, with a smile, say..."What did you name him?" ... My mood changed immediately. She asked questions about my baby boy. She wanted to know details... the good ones. This is such an odd occurrence. In a situation like this, you rarely hear "Congratulations" or the many phrases people usually say at the birth of a child. So missing all of that, it's awesome for someone to ask me questions about him.

As a matter of fact, since his passing, very few people...  maybe even noone has asked me details. I'm guessing maybe, 10 different people,  patients, my beautician, my dentist, people who don't have facebook or regular contact with me, have excitedly asked me "How's the baby?" They are asking me ... how he's growing inside of you. I tell them we've already had him. They get excited. Then I shoot them right back down with the fact that he's living with Jesus. Sometimes I expect it because I know the person knew I was pregnant... sometimes it takes me completely off guard. I don't know how to answer them.  I look forward to the day my answer can be "He's perfect."... and then explain. But honestly, I love talking about him.

So.. you ask.. with the joy of talking of Bryson today.... how could I have a bad day? The dreaded word that I try so hard to block in my mind came up. Holidays. I don't have any idea how to survive them. I keep telling myself, maybe once I get through all the 1st's.. the rest of the years will be ok. I think ... maybe Coit and I will just go out of town, alone and not face the holidays.. the cheer.. the excitement. I think maybe I'll just try and sleep through Thanksgiving day and Christmas day. I think maybe I'll skip our staff Christmas party because it's the day after my due date.... and my mind was set that I wouldn't be there this year. I think maybe I'm being super selfish in all these thoughts. I think how can I possible choose to miss my family.... miss seeing my nephew and nieces during the holidays. I don't know how we'll deal with them. But I do know no matter what we choose to do, God will be with us.. His amazing peace and grace will be comforting us. I pray most of all that we do His will. It's not about us anymore... it never has been. So.. when you're talking to God today and in the days ahead, please ask him to guide us in the upcoming months... and pray that we listen! I have so much to be thankful for... I pray that I never take that for granted.